life

LIFE CONFERENCE was amazing!
the sermons were pretty long but that is not the point. i am amazed at what God can do in our lives if we just surrender a portion of our time to Him.
anyway, thats what i did for two days. i feel that im walking closer with Him and feel more aligned with His agenda in my life. i hope the fire in my heart for Him will never be extinguished. may it burn bright in the darkest of days, when everything else fails, when all thats left is me and Him and the dire circumstances. for that day will come, when i hit a brick wall, hard and fast, knocking the breath out of me. it hasnt arrived yet, but i say, BRING IT ON. i seem to be confident now, i wonder if i can really take it, for the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night, and so will the greatest fall of man. haha i seem to be just raving and ranting.
anyway, i will publish some of the wonderful sermons here if i have time.

common tests are starting tomorrow! (what joy)
it heralds three days of hell. GP, econs, math, chem, phy in three days? pretty insane.
anyway, i lift it all to you oh Lord. as long as i set my priorities right, i will not be disappointed.

smooth seas couldn't make a skilled mariner

haha just found the statement very nice indeed. it sank in the moment i saw it, so i decided to make it the title of this entry!
its the last week of the hols! so fast. so i will now list down what i think i have done during this hols which deserve a mention.

: i did physics tys.
: i did some math.
: i attended 3 tuition class sessions.
: i had exco interview!
: i went for a total of 11 band practices.
: my group actually did pw and we managed to complete one interview!
: my hair (on my head) is the longest i have ever grown.

looks like a very short list, but everything takes quite some time eh.
thats how 3 weeks and one day have passed by in a flash.
hmmm but its good that i dont feel that this holiday is wasted because everything is for a good cause!

oh and life conference is coming soon. im expecting something exciting. i want my life to be on fire for God again. TAKE MY HEART LORD! TAKE ALL OF ME!










I Believe - Planetshakers
i heard a story just the other day
about a man who gave his life away for me
complicated yet it seems so clear
if i open up my heart he'll be so near to me
i believe in you
i believe in you

i believe in you
i believe your word has set me free
with all that i am
i will live my life for you
i believe

i heard a story just the other day
about the way you healed the blind man made him see
here i stand i'm crying out to you
all i need is faith to see a miracle in me
i believe in you
i believe in you

i believe in you
i believe your word has set me free
with all that i am
i will live my life for you
i believe

and she thought she was busy

overload!
1) i have officially only 1.5 weeks to study for common test.
2) project work is requires a lot of work to be done, and arguably time is wasted as well.
3) maths VA is pending and we have not started.
4) chinese VA is also pending.
5) chinese 'A' LEVEL ORAL is also very soon (omy!)
6) njcsb etude 31 concert is on july 8, which is like 3.5 weeks from now.
*note: information listed above is not in any order of importance or priority.

okay enough about the busi-ness of jc life. i dont know how i am going to complete everything but i trust that i will take one step at a time. and i must definitely increase the speed of me doing things too.

anyway today was exco interview and i dont know how i did. no idea if it was good or bad.
i just have a feeling that i criticised the current exco too much. who am i to criticise them anyway?
im just a lousy nobody with no leadership experience at all. crude as it may sound, doesnt this world look at cold concrete evidence or results only?
dont know if i did well enough to pass but at least i know i was frank with myself and them.
maybe they despise me or something bleh.
aiya shant talk about it anymore.




i have forgotten your smile.

i miss you

never thought i would say it, but i actually do. it doesnt surface all the time, but when im alone and thinking, you get into my mind and hog my thoughts.
haha i dont even know whats there to think about you anyway. bet you dont even feel the same way about me. you're so caught up with your own life and trying so hard on your own to prove to yourself that you are someone. you try so hard that your head is in the clouds. you seek to break into the upper echelons, but always seem to fail because your targets are among the heavens, always out of reach.
this causes you to neglect your own strength. you dont know how blessed you are. so stop striving. and start living.
live for others. live to make others happy. at least thats what i want to do - for now.
sometimes i just want to tell you that not only me, but many other people accept you and love you for who you are. and you dont have to try so hard to be like other people, or someone you think you can be. you dont have to feel cheated when you fail.
i read somewhere that we fall to get back up and fall again, until one day we have no more strength to get back up on our feet.
this is so totally untrue! everytime we fall, we get stronger and eventually, we become sufficiently equipped to face the REAL challenges in life.
i sincerely hope and pray that you will hang on. hang on to God. hang on to your friends. hang on to yourself.






A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

band camp

it was pretty fun and got to know alot more people better. however, what i discovered was not entirely pleasant. sure, there was the wonderful people i talked to, like Deon. before the camp, all i knew of him was that he was a harp player. quiet and reserved, yet elegant and confident in his playing. shyness and gentleness was my first impression, but yet i knew there was so much i could learn from him. he turned out to be in the same group as me. CHOPIN WOOHOO! and we were bunkmates too!
i learnt how to be sensitive and to do my best despite limitations. to never back out of something which you embarked on because of my own decision. and i pray that the road im walking really is God's path for me.

however, nothing could have prepared me for the discovery of a secret atmosphere of backstabbing and negativity within the band. the insidious gossip and cliqueish gatherings. beneath the mantel of acceptance lay a lurking parasite, a dormant volcano which would erupt if not for the fact that the time we have together is short. maybe its a blessing that we have only a year, or rather three quarters of it as a band, before seniors leave and we take their place, for it helps people to forget each other, along with the silent and rather terrible discrimination. come to think of it, this endless and compulsory cycle of the old making way for the new, brings with it many pros and cons, which i will not talk about.

another thing which totally disgusted me was the power struggle. it may not be evident but the greed - man's eternal quest for status and recognition, is inevitably in every cca, not only in the band.
it is in this note that i want to commend my senior. it is people like who allow me to keep the faith, that in this world there are people who are willing to sacrifice glory for others.
im not sure why you gave away the solo which was (in my opinion) made for you. i believe you could have done a better job. perhaps it was the peer pressure, or a sympathy for him, or perhaps just plain ignorance that you gave it away. but i know that it is tough to sacrifice something that is important to you. and i feel your disappointment and air of resignation even though you pretend to be alright.

also, many j1s stepped up in this camp. great job done there by the food, games and music committee, you guys showed great responsibility and creativity.
on the other hand, i have failed. the pt we organised was disastrous, if not miserable. i bet many seniors must have lost faith in our (or mine rather) ability.
with the emergence of so many who are gunning for a place in the exco, surely, chances are slim.
of course, you might say there are so many other ways seniors, teachers and the conductor will rate a person, but this is surely one major area.
actually, i do not mind if i do not land an exco position. its time i ask myself what is the reason i want to be in the exco? even if i dont get in, will i have the same enthusiasm and love for the band?
if the answer for the second question happens to be no, i will hate myself, because i will be just like what i have just criticised earlier. selfish and power-hungry.
so in conclusion, i lift this into the hands of the almighty father in heaven. if God feels that i have the right mentality and ability to lead, he will definitely grant me the favour and wisdom to do so.
if im still not ready, i will continue to wait. for him to shape me into the person he created me to be.

memories, thoughts and what-nots

nostalgia takes me as i read Hanson's blog. his memories of RV simply remind me of the wonderful times i had there, even though there was my fair share of troubles.
well it was my secondary school after all, my second home. ever since i've stepped into jc, i've been so caught up with the business and the 'exciting' changes that it has brought. so much that i've completely forgotten about my secondary school days.
those secondary school days. seemingly ever-so-innocent. i think i was pretty much a scrawny worm in lower sec. always keeping a low profile and shy. however, i found close friends who made my days so much brighter. my class was so much into soccer and i found a way to communicate and interact with others. on the street soccer court. pandan ssc was a place filled with countless memories. from shouting "NEXT TEAM" to getting thrashed by the 'pros', everything took place there.
sec3 and 4 was fun. was still pretty much withdrawn for the first semester. again, soccer took centrestage. its amazing how a common sport can bridge a gap between people eh?
i gradually was inducted into the soccer gang and it was when things got a lot more interesting.
we were a bunch of crazy guys, and childish i must say. but i dont regret it at all. right now, i wish i could be. but it seems like suddenly, a ton of weights have been placed over our heads. so much that we are confined to being 'young adults'. what bitter irony! we are given more freedom with our behavior but at the same time, we are expected to have responsibility over our actions and most of all BE responsible. i guess its all part of maturing, though it may be uncomfortable.

i miss the old times. but i shant recollect every single detail because it will take ages to write. haha well i'll just leave it at that. the details will be etched in my mind for a long time to come im sure.

anyway, BAND IS SO SO BUSY! haha we have 4 practices a week and they are soooo long. and NIE band room is super cold and i tink its 10 degrees celsius and my hair was standing for hours on end. it didnt help that julian kept teasing about my goosebumps la! that TOOT. haha no offence though. it was kinda fun depending on a hot water bottle for warmth too. reminds me that simple things which are usually taken for granted can be ever so important in times of need. THAT applies to friends too i think. so be good to your friends! cherish every single one of them!

anyways, i come to find that the band spirit is becoming stronger and stronger each day. i believe that after the band camp, greater bonds will be forged and we will move together FORWARD. we must do our best for the concert! i dont want to let anybody down. but sometimes i feel so helpless when things go wrong. when my embrochure goes awry and my tone makes me sound like a freshie. i can only pray that it wont happen on concert day =/

haha anyway i'll do my best! practice will make perfect. at least SOMEDAY.

lastly. i hope i can live without you. there was once when i strived to make myself everything you wanted me to be. "I would have never let you down, even if i could. i would give up everything, if only for your own good."

but now i realise that all this is useless for you will never see me as who i am inside. the result? i appear as someone weak and unopinionated. still think about what could have been but i shudder at the thought of how it could have ended eventually too.

friends is the way to go, as it should have started. i made a mistake once and i wont make it twice. whats so bad about it anyway? cheers man.