airborne.

2 months and 5 days since i last wrote here. it seems like a really loooong time though. so much has happened and i can say - quite confidently in fact - that i have changed in more ways than one.

#1
first things first, i don't find myself serving God enough in church. have i lost the passion? as i look back at my previous blog entries, i remember i used to love serving Him and His people not too long ago.

Passion is a combination of love and hate.

if that was indeed the definition of the word, i guess having a passionate heartbeat for the things of God would mean that i have to love seeing people saved and finding a better life after knowing Jesus; at the same time, i need to hate seeing these people fall away, at the mercy of this depraved generation and world we are living in.

Lord, i want to commit to be your servant once again.


#2
my psychological well-being is at stake. sometimes i feel like i'm living in two worlds: the army world and the civilian world. please do not mistake me for a schizo.


#3
my body is being ravaged by the sweltering heat of the new bunk in hendon and the commando mosquitoes. they seem unwavered by mosquito coils, insect repellent or/and buzzers that make high-pitched noises - which apparently have an effective range of 25m. and they seem to love my B+ type blood, in contrast to my buddy's O+ type, which is SUPPOSED to draw more of those little suckers.

oh and my ankles and knees are feeling more wobbly after being pummelled by the ground several hundred times a week.


speaking about that, going airborne is truly an exhilarating experience; the instructors say its better than sex, apparently.
military aircraft is cooler than i ever imagined. the sight of them lined up looking all neat and spick and span is awe-inspiring.
the first jump from the Charlie-130 was quite shocking, mainly due to the really rough exit. my helmet almost flew off my head after i was sucked almost immediately towards the bottom of the aircraft after i exited. it was more fun than any rollercoaster ride i have taken though =)
second jump from the Chinook-47 was smoother, and the 5 second freefall was AMAZING. my heart almost flew out of my mouth. the landing was hard though, blame the wind! hope my left knee and right ankle recovers from the impact soon.

i love going airborne, but i dont know if its worth all the effort needed to set up an opportunity to jump. all the saikung and early wake-up timings get on the nerves sometimes.
anyway, i'm gonna get my wings this thursday/friday (if i survive my remaining 2 jumps)!

till then!

27 days.
thats the number of days since i walked into camp with a head full of hair and apprehension in every single step. i'm gonna update this blog about the experience thus far so i can keep a check on myself - like you know, mental and physical well-being? haha. what i've told people about my ns life has always been the good side because i never believed in complaining and i know that people desire to hear good news. but i doubt i could hold this one back. i need to release pent-up emotions! rah.

first 3 days were torturing, i missed home, pretty bad. i guess everyone else was. faces were either blank or distracted by something else that they couldn't let go of. it was a new environment: a new bed, cupboard, lifestyle, 'friends' and instructors who use the f-word as a verb, a noun, an adjective, adverb, and so on. The vocab of everyone there seems to be limited to ccb, knn and f. i couldn't get used to it as fast as i expected. now i know that there's a major difference between being in a co-ed and all-boys environment.
after the 2 week confinement crawled by, the first bookout was a great feeling; i really felt like a bird being released from a cage (with a rope still tied to my feet of course). but there was no denying that He was always with me and my relationship through the 2 weeks was stronger than ever and i felt really close to Him.


you've called me to places i can't see,
Lord open my eyes.
you've called me to people i can't reach,
Lord stir within me,
a hunger to see your kingdom come,
a passion for your will to be done.
give me a heart for this generation,
set me apart for your great commission.


the book in subsequently was rather hard to bear initially but we got into the momentum much faster this time. i was even starting to 'enjoy' the routine and the training. i could feel myself getting faster, stronger, braver. the gears were kicking in.

but now, i'm right down where i started i feel. the 2 day field camp caused me not only to lose weight, but i lost fighting spirit. never before have i felt so tired, dirty and miserable. i swore more than i ever did in the past 3 weeks, succumbed to the devil so many, too many times. i struggled to find Him in that place. yet i know that His plan is always perfect and He is right beside me though i can't feel him.


nobody knows how weak I am,
better than you.
nobody sees all of my needs,
better than you.
nobody has the power to change me to what I was meant to be.
Jesus be strong in my weakness,
empower me.


next wed will be 8 days in the field and i don't want to think of it as torture and i don't want it to be a hellish episode. i pray that i will really be changed from the inside out to tackle this trying time.


i will search for you and i will find you,
i will find you with all my heart.
i will lift my hands to you in worship.
i will worship with all my heart.




ON ANOTHER NOTE,
i wonder why all the girls are going to australia to study! candice is the next to go over to melbourne uni on 16feb. ah i'm gonna miss all of you who're gonna study in australia. makes me feel like going to study there too after ns hahaha.
and i have a 4 day break! CHINESE NEW YEAR! looking forward to it! i'm gonna enjoy myself and have a fab time catching up with friends and relatives =)

nicholas lam wei guo is going to pasir ris commando camp in NINE days. i'm feeling kinda apprehensive because i really have no idea whats in store for me. but i know that He will bring me through and be with me all the while!

i've been reading this dating book (out of curiosity!) and i realised that courtship really is about principles. i love the analogy of flying a kite. our emotions are like the strong winds and our wisdom is like the string holding the kite back. without the string, the strong winds will blow the kite out of control and it eventually falls to the ground. with the presence of the tension in the string, the kite will steadily move higher and higher.

anw i made a commitment to Him, that I will spend my youthful energy chasing after Him and serving him; courtship can wait till i become a REAL man. when that will be, i'm not really sure xD

but such feelings come and go, its hard. maybe it'll get easier once i enter the army? hah.

oh oh and i miss my njc s05 classmates! like suddenly. i miss the old days: joe talking real loud during lessons, calling zijiang baba, sitting beside deyao, making fun of our pe teachers, playing basketball and soccer after (and during :x) school hours, hanging out in the band room with the bandies etc etc.
oh well, my school life is officially over - for now - and i really cherish every single memory of schooling, even in rvhs.


and i've been spending a lot of time with the churchies lately, i'm gonna miss them so so much. they're the people i see week in week out, who've seen me as who I really am. they're the ones who've taupok-ed me, heard my dreams and fears, rubbed shoulders with me and we worshipped, played hard, prayed hard and laughed hard together.
i don't know why God chose this time to make me love them all so much - the guys and the girls alike - but i really thank Him that I learnt to.

I'M GOING TO ATTEND CHURCH REGULARLY WHEN I CAN, I PROMISE, even if it means i have to sacrifice whatever's left of my sleep, my energy and time. and if I ever feel like breaking this promise, i pray that i will look back at this blog post and be reminded of what He has blessed me with.

I WILL USE MY BLOG TO SING HIS PRAISES. YES I WILL. NO MORE GIRLY WHINING NIC!

battlecall camp was so amazing, its wonderful how close to God we get. but 2days on, i feel the heat of the raging battle in the spirit already. there are just too many distractions in this world. no matter where i turn, i see the devil's work. thank Him that the camp really convicted me to turn my focus away from these things and to focus on doing his work.
i really really REALLY desire to bring someone to christ this christmas. i'm sure it'll be the best christmas present someone could ever receive. EMPOWER ME LORD.

meanwhile, someone shared a verse with me which i think will help to sustain me in my NS days(24 days to go!).

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

i really thank God for this person =)

on a separate note, I'M GOING TO KL TMR !!!!!
woohoooo i'm gonna enjoy shopping, shopping and more shopping with my church buddies =)
still in the process of making a list of things to buy for ppl though. its so hard to buy stuff for ppl!
but i wanna thank my dad for giving me quite a huge amount to spend. maybe he's hinting at something hmmm. come to think of it, i haven't given my parents xmas presents before, so i better get started! anw i'm already so old =(( time to be more filial ya.


let not the things of this world ever sway me,
i'll run till i finish the race.

A Tribute

mini tong. yeah. that's what we used to call him. we would gawk in awe at his rippling thigh muscles and his seemingly oversized pectorials every lesson instead of paying attention to his instructions.

listening to his didactic approach to pe lessons became - regretfully - a drag, but one thing that left deep imprints in my mind was his sincerity and warmth.
he always told that passing napfa was definitely achievable, as long as we tried hard enough.

to me, humility was his greatest virtue. i asked him about him being a commando officer and he just shrugged it off, like it was nothing. he never walked about with an air of superiority (even though he could pull it off) and would stop and chat whenever he could.


here's a tribute to you Mr Loh,
albeit came a little bit too slow.
i don't exactly know why your time went up in such a hurry,
and i know many people are feeling sorry,
but you will always be in our hearts.
God must have a reason for taking you away,
and i know we will all have to be with you some day.
you gave your life for your sport, your passion, your love.
and we see that Mr Loh, we honour that and we keep it as our oath -
to have a heart to serve and the most sincere attitude to boot,
to believe in ourselves even when things aren't looking good.
i can only pray that you are reunited with the Almighty One,
that it was truly His will that this be done.

Goodbye..

Doctor: I think its not gonna make it.
Nurse: Give it a shot, doc.
Doctor: Here goes..
Blog: zzzzzzzzzpfffffttkkkkrrrrkkkkpooftuttuttootbambooom

THE BLOG HAS FOUND A NEW LEASE OF LIFE.

LAME...

the A levels are over, but i never expected to be confronted with another one so quickly - the exam of life.

the word 'holiday' brings scenes of me playing my ps2 all day long, chilling out at the beach and hanging out in town. i THOUGHT i would be doing all that (and more!) this time but it has turned out to be a vastly different experience.

uni applications, SAT, housework, things i've never worried about before suddenly became huge nagging monsters that are gnawing away at the joy of having completed the biggest exam in my entire life (so far :x).

rahrahrah.

anyway i've found time to go out with bbc, family and other peeps during these few days, so its not too bad. which leaves me with a hiatus which i've never thought i needed to fill ever again - at least for the next 2 years in ns?

LOVE.

im not sure why cupid chose me to be his target today.

he sauntered into Popular bookstore, hoping to find volumes 3 and 4 of the "MAR heaven" comic books. as he hurried with anticipation into the comic book section, he noticed a svelte figure in front of him. she stepped aside to facilitate his entry while him, being a gentleman, paused and gestured her to step out first instead.
she smiled a smile so sweet he could almost taste the honey in his mouth.
first arrow struck.
after perusing the collection of comics on the shelf, to his disappointment, the books he wanted were not present. as he walked off, their paths crossed once again. their eyes met. her gaze caught him off-guard and his eyes gave him away. diffidence took over and that moment - which lasted longer than it should have - ended, but was immortalised immediately in his memory.
a flight of arrows struck at once, the beast was subdued.
love at first sight? or infatuation?
he doesn't know, all he knows is that she was beautiful, as close to an angel as someone could resemble. there was a quiet playfulness and frivolity about her, yet she exuded innocence and grace.


will he ever meet her again? let fate decide. hahaha.

incoherence

His glass falls
Breaks into a thousand pieces
Spilling out all he's tried to hide
"I only wanted to be strong, to be brave
But it's driven everyone away"
Thought he belonged
But he knows he doesn't
Thought he had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to him
How could he feel like this ?

i read an article on being emo. i think i fit the physical criteria i.e. must be skinny enough to fit into a child's t-shirt. eat eat eat exercise exercise exercise nicholas lam!
oh and i might be taking psychology/sociology in uni! wahaha. sigh must get my As first ba. i seem to be running out of things to write about recently. nvm tmr got pulau ubin picnic with bass section! shall post pics, until then! =)