warrior for Him

airborne.

2008-04-11T21:31:00.003+08:00

2 months and 5 days since i last wrote here. it seems like a really loooong time though. so much has happened and i can say - quite confidently in fact - that i have changed in more ways than one.

#1
first things first, i don't find myself serving God enough in church. have i lost the passion? as i look back at my previous blog entries, i remember i used to love serving Him and His people not too long ago.

Passion is a combination of love and hate.

if that was indeed the definition of the word, i guess having a passionate heartbeat for the things of God would mean that i have to love seeing people saved and finding a better life after knowing Jesus; at the same time, i need to hate seeing these people fall away, at the mercy of this depraved generation and world we are living in.

Lord, i want to commit to be your servant once again.

#2
my psychological well-being is at stake. sometimes i feel like i'm living in two worlds: the army world and the civilian world. please do not mistake me for a schizo.

#3
my body is being ravaged by the sweltering heat of the new bunk in hendon and the commando mosquitoes. they seem unwavered by mosquito coils, insect repellent or/and buzzers that make high-pitched noises - which apparently have an effective range of 25m. and they seem to love my B+ type blood, in contrast to my buddy's O+ type, which is SUPPOSED to draw more of those little suckers.

oh and my ankles and knees are feeling more wobbly after being pummelled by the ground several hundred times a week.

speaking about that, going airborne is truly an exhilarating experience; the instructors say its better than sex, apparently.
military aircraft is cooler than i ever imagined. the sight of them lined up looking all neat and spick and span is awe-inspiring.
the first jump from the Charlie-130 was quite shocking, mainly due to the really rough exit. my helmet almost flew off my head after i was sucked almost immediately towards the bottom of the aircraft after i exited. it was more fun than any rollercoaster ride i have taken though =)
second jump from the Chinook-47 was smoother, and the 5 second freefall was AMAZING. my heart almost flew out of my mouth. the landing was hard though, blame the wind! hope my left knee and right ankle recovers from the impact soon.

i love going airborne, but i dont know if its worth all the effort needed to set up an opportunity to jump. all the saikung and early wake-up timings get on the nerves sometimes.
anyway, i'm gonna get my wings this thursday/friday (if i survive my remaining 2 jumps)!

till then!

2008-02-06T17:54:00.000+08:00

27 days.
thats the number of days since i walked into camp with a head full of hair and apprehension in every single step. i'm gonna update this blog about the experience thus far so i can keep a check on myself - like you know, mental and physical well-being? haha. what i've told people about my ns life has always been the good side because i never believed in complaining and i know that people desire to hear good news. but i doubt i could hold this one back. i need to release pent-up emotions! rah.

first 3 days were torturing, i missed home, pretty bad. i guess everyone else was. faces were either blank or distracted by something else that they couldn't let go of. it was a new environment: a new bed, cupboard, lifestyle, 'friends' and instructors who use the f-word as a verb, a noun, an adjective, adverb, and so on. The vocab of everyone there seems to be limited to ccb, knn and f. i couldn't get used to it as fast as i expected. now i know that there's a major difference between being in a co-ed and all-boys environment.
after the 2 week confinement crawled by, the first bookout was a great feeling; i really felt like a bird being released from a cage (with a rope still tied to my feet of course). but there was no denying that He was always with me and my relationship through the 2 weeks was stronger than ever and i felt really close to Him.

you've called me to places i can't see,
Lord open my eyes.
you've called me to people i can't reach,
Lord stir within me,
a hunger to see your kingdom come,
a passion for your will to be done.
give me a heart for this generation,
set me apart for your great commission.

the book in subsequently was rather hard to bear initially but we got into the momentum much faster this time. i was even starting to 'enjoy' the routine and the training. i could feel myself getting faster, stronger, braver. the gears were kicking in.

but now, i'm right down where i started i feel. the 2 day field camp caused me not only to lose weight, but i lost fighting spirit. never before have i felt so tired, dirty and miserable. i swore more than i ever did in the past 3 weeks, succumbed to the devil so many, too many times. i struggled to find Him in that place. yet i know that His plan is always perfect and He is right beside me though i can't feel him.

nobody knows how weak I am,
better than you.
nobody sees all of my needs,
better than you.
nobody has the power to change me to what I was meant to be.
Jesus be strong in my weakness,
empower me.

next wed will be 8 days in the field and i don't want to think of it as torture and i don't want it to be a hellish episode. i pray that i will really be changed from the inside out to tackle this trying time.

i will search for you and i will find you,
i will find you with all my heart.
i will lift my hands to you in worship.
i will worship with all my heart.

ON ANOTHER NOTE,
i wonder why all the girls are going to australia to study! candice is the next to go over to melbourne uni on 16feb. ah i'm gonna miss all of you who're gonna study in australia. makes me feel like going to study there too after ns hahaha.
and i have a 4 day break! CHINESE NEW YEAR! looking forward to it! i'm gonna enjoy myself and have a fab time catching up with friends and relatives =)

2008-01-02T17:24:00.002+08:00

nicholas lam wei guo is going to pasir ris commando camp in NINE days. i'm feeling kinda apprehensive because i really have no idea whats in store for me. but i know that He will bring me through and be with me all the while!

i've been reading this dating book (out of curiosity!) and i realised that courtship really is about principles. i love the analogy of flying a kite. our emotions are like the strong winds and our wisdom is like the string holding the kite back. without the string, the strong winds will blow the kite out of control and it eventually falls to the ground. with the presence of the tension in the string, the kite will steadily move higher and higher.

anw i made a commitment to Him, that I will spend my youthful energy chasing after Him and serving him; courtship can wait till i become a REAL man. when that will be, i'm not really sure xD

but such feelings come and go, its hard. maybe it'll get easier once i enter the army? hah.

oh oh and i miss my njc s05 classmates! like suddenly. i miss the old days: joe talking real loud during lessons, calling zijiang baba, sitting beside deyao, making fun of our pe teachers, playing basketball and soccer after (and during :x) school hours, hanging out in the band room with the bandies etc etc.
oh well, my school life is officially over - for now - and i really cherish every single memory of schooling, even in rvhs.

and i've been spending a lot of time with the churchies lately, i'm gonna miss them so so much. they're the people i see week in week out, who've seen me as who I really am. they're the ones who've taupok-ed me, heard my dreams and fears, rubbed shoulders with me and we worshipped, played hard, prayed hard and laughed hard together.
i don't know why God chose this time to make me love them all so much - the guys and the girls alike - but i really thank Him that I learnt to.

I'M GOING TO ATTEND CHURCH REGULARLY WHEN I CAN, I PROMISE, even if it means i have to sacrifice whatever's left of my sleep, my energy and time. and if I ever feel like breaking this promise, i pray that i will look back at this blog post and be reminded of what He has blessed me with.

2007-12-17T10:07:00.000+08:00

I WILL USE MY BLOG TO SING HIS PRAISES. YES I WILL. NO MORE GIRLY WHINING NIC!

battlecall camp was so amazing, its wonderful how close to God we get. but 2days on, i feel the heat of the raging battle in the spirit already. there are just too many distractions in this world. no matter where i turn, i see the devil's work. thank Him that the camp really convicted me to turn my focus away from these things and to focus on doing his work.
i really really REALLY desire to bring someone to christ this christmas. i'm sure it'll be the best christmas present someone could ever receive. EMPOWER ME LORD.

meanwhile, someone shared a verse with me which i think will help to sustain me in my NS days(24 days to go!).

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:26

i really thank God for this person =)

on a separate note, I'M GOING TO KL TMR !!!!!
woohoooo i'm gonna enjoy shopping, shopping and more shopping with my church buddies =)
still in the process of making a list of things to buy for ppl though. its so hard to buy stuff for ppl!
but i wanna thank my dad for giving me quite a huge amount to spend. maybe he's hinting at something hmmm. come to think of it, i haven't given my parents xmas presents before, so i better get started! anw i'm already so old =(( time to be more filial ya.

let not the things of this world ever sway me,
i'll run till i finish the race.

2007-11-26T00:34:00.001+08:00

A Tribute

mini tong. yeah. that's what we used to call him. we would gawk in awe at his rippling thigh muscles and his seemingly oversized pectorials every lesson instead of paying attention to his instructions.

listening to his didactic approach to pe lessons became - regretfully - a drag, but one thing that left deep imprints in my mind was his sincerity and warmth.
he always told that passing napfa was definitely achievable, as long as we tried hard enough.

to me, humility was his greatest virtue. i asked him about him being a commando officer and he just shrugged it off, like it was nothing. he never walked about with an air of superiority (even though he could pull it off) and would stop and chat whenever he could.

here's a tribute to you Mr Loh,
albeit came a little bit too slow.
i don't exactly know why your time went up in such a hurry,
and i know many people are feeling sorry,
but you will always be in our hearts.
God must have a reason for taking you away,
and i know we will all have to be with you some day.
you gave your life for your sport, your passion, your love.
and we see that Mr Loh, we honour that and we keep it as our oath -
to have a heart to serve and the most sincere attitude to boot,
to believe in ourselves even when things aren't looking good.
i can only pray that you are reunited with the Almighty One,
that it was truly His will that this be done.

Goodbye..

2007-11-23T14:26:00.000+08:00

Doctor: I think its not gonna make it.
Nurse: Give it a shot, doc.
Doctor: Here goes..
Blog: zzzzzzzzzpfffffttkkkkrrrrkkkkpooftuttuttootbambooom

THE BLOG HAS FOUND A NEW LEASE OF LIFE.

LAME...

the A levels are over, but i never expected to be confronted with another one so quickly - the exam of life.

the word 'holiday' brings scenes of me playing my ps2 all day long, chilling out at the beach and hanging out in town. i THOUGHT i would be doing all that (and more!) this time but it has turned out to be a vastly different experience.

uni applications, SAT, housework, things i've never worried about before suddenly became huge nagging monsters that are gnawing away at the joy of having completed the biggest exam in my entire life (so far :x).

rahrahrah.

anyway i've found time to go out with bbc, family and other peeps during these few days, so its not too bad. which leaves me with a hiatus which i've never thought i needed to fill ever again - at least for the next 2 years in ns?

LOVE.

im not sure why cupid chose me to be his target today.

he sauntered into Popular bookstore, hoping to find volumes 3 and 4 of the "MAR heaven" comic books. as he hurried with anticipation into the comic book section, he noticed a svelte figure in front of him. she stepped aside to facilitate his entry while him, being a gentleman, paused and gestured her to step out first instead.
she smiled a smile so sweet he could almost taste the honey in his mouth.
first arrow struck.
after perusing the collection of comics on the shelf, to his disappointment, the books he wanted were not present. as he walked off, their paths crossed once again. their eyes met. her gaze caught him off-guard and his eyes gave him away. diffidence took over and that moment - which lasted longer than it should have - ended, but was immortalised immediately in his memory.
a flight of arrows struck at once, the beast was subdued.
love at first sight? or infatuation?
he doesn't know, all he knows is that she was beautiful, as close to an angel as someone could resemble. there was a quiet playfulness and frivolity about her, yet she exuded innocence and grace.

will he ever meet her again? let fate decide. hahaha.

incoherence

2007-07-05T15:23:00.000+08:00

His glass falls
Breaks into a thousand pieces
Spilling out all he's tried to hide
"I only wanted to be strong, to be brave
But it's driven everyone away"
Thought he belonged
But he knows he doesn't
Thought he had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to him
How could he feel like this ?

i read an article on being emo. i think i fit the physical criteria i.e. must be skinny enough to fit into a child's t-shirt. eat eat eat exercise exercise exercise nicholas lam!
oh and i might be taking psychology/sociology in uni! wahaha. sigh must get my As first ba. i seem to be running out of things to write about recently. nvm tmr got pulau ubin picnic with bass section! shall post pics, until then! =)

2007-06-22T16:35:00.000+08:00

boliao-ness

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're part of my entity, here for Infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
-Umbrella, Rihanna

DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA, i just felt those lyrics were nice =))

oh ya and i've been missing jessica alot lately =/ its been a long time since i fingered her! really wonder if i can play with her as well as a week ago, i've been practising my lipping though. ah i just want to caress her and hold her close again. the thought of her bare body and smooth skin is making me drool.
neither can engkwan wait to blow his dear jimmy; timothy is also dying to put johnny in between his legs.

Our beloveds: Jessica, Johnny and Jimmy(from top)

cip camp

2007-06-12T21:41:00.000+08:00

more than half the holiday is gone! *panic*
haha anyway i just had cip today with those kiddies from guangshang primary again.
WARNING: the following content is not suitable for those unaccustomed to paedophilic behaviour.

haha the two cheeky sisters

ramdan! best little friend i made

ah.. group 4! guys rock man :)

more pics but no time to upload :( really reminds them of how i was when i was a child, we were unrestricted, we were angels in everyones' eyes - little tykes filled with childish innocence, and that occasional streak of defiance.

okay okay not the time to emo.. WE ALL HAVE TO GROW UP SOME DAY!yup, and i hope i AM growing up.

off i go to chiong hw, or at least try :D

She is running a hundred miles an hour,

in the wrong direction

She is trying,

but the canyon's ever widening

So she sets out on another misadventure just to find:

she's another two years older,

but she's three more steps behind.

- Casting Crowns

2007-05-22T22:45:00.001+08:00

ahhhh pardon me for letting my blog lie stagnant for 2 weeks. *chokes on the mound of the dust collected*
well, life goes on after syf - emotions are evanescent after all. now busy preparing for the upcoming band concert, etude 32.
i think my conductor might have gone off his rocker, because the pieces we're playing make internal combustion sound like twinkle twinkle little star.
FANTASY VARIATIONS. *a clap of thunder and a flash of lightning* (lol i'm kind of into stupid effects today)
nightmare for any band player, esp. if you play the brass instrument that resembles a small tuba(as defined in the oxford english dictionary).
and stage band, SIGH still havent finalised stuff yet, and we're still in the planning process, i need a miracle.

okay la enough about band. its really true that men are from mars and women are from venus! a new study from professor lam has showed that our brains function on entirely different wavelengths and our dna is only 98.9% identical, compared to monkeys whose dna is 99% similar. lol okaaay that was crap.

gp and econs tmr!

2007-05-10T21:53:00.000+08:00

this is it, i have turned the corner. i see it now, the final last 100m, they lie so invitingly ahead - the most difficult 100m though.
i see the crowd, the 800 odd people peering down at us. the pressure is immense. the tension in the room causes the air to be colder than it actually is; a clap cuts the tension, like a scissors does a taut string.
our riposte is the swift movement of the conductor's arm - a wave of the starting flag, the bang of the gun as we embark on this final 100m, the most important 100m, the 20min we have practised 200 hours for.

what more can i say. tears, sweat and blood have been shed for this day. was it worth crying for you? was it worth blowing our lungs out (literally)? was it worth straining every single muscle in our body to force out that high A flat, or that extra half a beat's worth of a long note?
YES IT WILL BE!
but most importantly, i submit tomorrow into the mighty hands of God. let your will be done.

music quotes

2007-05-06T18:01:00.001+08:00

ahh im stuck rotting at home on a sunday evening with no mood to do homework.
OHH and i found some really cool quotes about music! here are the ones which struck me.

1. A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence. -Leopold Stokowski
2. Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life. -Ludwig van Beethoven
3. The pleasure we obtain from music comes from counting, but counting unconsciously. Music is nothing but unconscious arithmetic. -Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
4. Music is love in search of a word. -Sidney Lanier
5. You are the music while the music lasts. -T.S. Eliot
6. Music can noble hints impart,
Engender fury, kindle love,
With unsuspected eloquence can move,
And manage all the man with secret art. -Joseph Addison

OKAY.. that was random. hmmm wish i could write them all on the band board but i doubt it would help us. let me see.. 111 hours more till our time on stage!

"i'm sorry"

2007-04-30T23:44:00.000+08:00

"I'm sorry."
the way you said those words - the shades of meaning imbued in them. the prediction came true, though the fall was far from graceful. ah i feel so useless.
and poor mr ho, the innocent party, it just pains me to see him all confused and worried for us. i bet never in his entire conducting career in njcsb has he experienced such a headache. ahhh we don't just blow, we suck.

You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She’s desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She’s looking to you

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

life is precious

2007-04-24T22:42:00.002+08:00

today is a day to rue the fragility of life and wrong priorities.
amidst all our busyness and struggles to reach our goals, please pretty please don't forget to treasure those around you, especially your family. when things go tough and all is out of your control, you'll find that blood really is thicker than water.
don't forget to set aside some effort for maintaining worthy friendships too;don't ever underestimate the perplexity of the human social system.

one day, we'll eventually lose our loved ones, so make every single time we meet count - stop picking on little mistakes, no one is perfect or invincible. be a good person yourself before you can make meaningful relationships. know when to offer help and solutions and when to just shut up and listen.

if i could turn back time, i would have been a better son, a better brother, a better friend, a better disciple, a better leader.
but time and tide wait for no man, we can only learn from the past and not live in it. the future is there for the taking.

The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? Hebrews 13:6

2007-04-20T22:08:00.000+08:00

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be?
if we had no worries and commitments, would things be different?

TWENTY-ONE days. SEVENTEEN practices. almost there! but it leaves me to question our motives of working so hard. gold with honours of course, but for what? for.. who? to bring glory to njc or just to save us from humiliation?
"good morning all teachers and students. after 4 gruelling months shedding sweat and blood, we have achieved extremely commendable results considering tough competition such as the likes of rjc, tjc and acjc. we believe it is not the end result, but the process that counts. presenting to you, national junior college symphonic band, ******."
gosh, its a nightmare that keeps ringing in my head. weeeeell, we do have 21 days we could make full use of :) be more optimistic niclam! train harder with jessica!

ooooohh and i'm starting to like S.P. she's kinda funny in her own weird way xD and she makes me high with her compliments! but those moments are few and far between. shall work harder for gp too! :))

tmr napfa test, or pft or whatver. C for 2.4! 28 points! GO ME!

wahh this entry like some self-motivational session :DD oh ya managed to sneak some camera pics from phantom of the opera. gosh it was WONDERFUL, indescribable, number one must-watch for hedonistic people! shall dedicate an entry to it some other time. till then,

2007-04-13T22:14:00.000+08:00

GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD GOLD
the pursuit for that coveted prize has caused much undue worry to everyone.
SIGH why why why do the judges have to be so strict this year. or maybe we should question why the band standards have deproved so much. or maybe its just a noble attempt to raise the quality of the music here.

WE WE WE WE WE WE
yes WE are stuck in a rut. the locomotive which promised so much is wearing down even before it reached full throttle. it is stagnant, our music has as much life as a limp rag. so much for musicality, which like only accounts for a MEAGRE 50 PERCENT! looks like it would take a miracle for some musical sense to be drummed into the heads of certain people ahem.

YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU
are my new tuition buddy =) cant believe how coincidental it was, and how fortunate i am. i couldn't have asked for a prettier and nicer person :DDDD thank you lord!

invoke!

2007-04-05T18:58:00.002+08:00

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14
how many times have i made decisions without consulting Him? i found out that those were the exact times i fell hard.
This time i won't make the same mistake. Just allow Him to do his work! He is calling for a child-like faith, with Him being the sheperd and us the sheep.

Do you know that sheep are the most defenceless creatures in the entire planet? birds have wings, cats have claws and teeth and even my pet tortoise has a shell to protect its wrinkled body; but a sheep doesn't even make a sound, much less put up any resistance when its wool is being shaven off.
Thats why we need a sheperd. Should we stray from the sheperd, he breaks our legs and carries us in his loving arms until we finally learn how to depend on Him alone.

its gonna be easter soon! so excited for the drama in church! it is harvest time, truly.

and i just learned a new word!
invoke – verb (used with object), -voked, -vok·ing.
: to call for with earnest desire; make supplication or pray for: to invoke God's mercy.
this is exactly what i should be doing.

gruelling

2007-03-30T22:03:00.000+08:00

pheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew.
this marks the end of a gruelling week. sports, band, homework and more homework! PLUS i got the shock of my life, quite stunned really. oh well, life goes on. i have to get used to such things man. its only gonna get worse.

so i shall dedicate this post to dear touchme!
we were deciding between louyapokai and wonky nerds when deyao - by a stroke of genius nonetheless - came up with touchme! and so it became the name of the champion team : D
it wasn't easy to start with, NO ONE ever played competitive touchrug before, the most experienced was deyao who learnt it in his SJI days. firstly, there was a MAJOR shortage of sporty girls. nj's supposed to have much more girls than guys cmon! AND we almost pulled out twice. number one, right at the beginning when we discovered using street soccer boots on the muddy field could be compared to ice-skating in winter. so.. we resorted to cheating methods which was to kop the soccer boots from the soccer players at the back.(which we had to answer for in the end ><)
number two, three of us had to leave after the second group match so we considered pulling out, but thank God for team sji who came to our rescue and played for us.
NEXT, we lost the first match, quite terribly i must say. but we reorganised and turned on the style in the second =) never looked back woooo!

sports really does unite people huh, and it has this strange power to transform otherwise GENTLE and affable boys into beasts RAHH. down boy, down.

SPOT ON!

2007-03-25T15:44:00.000+08:00

spot on was definitely well.. SPOT ON!
it was like a huge ignyte ministry orientation! fun fun fun :)))))
was caught by a surprise when i found out my group had 4 nj peeps!
even though we didnt win anything(WE CAME CLOSE!), it was the many new friends found which made the games all worthwhile. glad joe managed to enjoy himself : D

we are one big family and no one can tear us apart.
kacang puteh, a mixture of nuts. ignyte ministry, a mixture of hearts.

haha the second line was modified from nj's nemation entry. anyways, i really pray that this unity will grow even stronger week after week, so that we'll be even more toughened up to face the world.
Colossians 1:17 "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together."

2007-03-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that being strong meant never losing your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry
sigh, emo crap.

anyways, njc has returned to its original greyish splendour.(save for a few extras who cant find the right uniform size) as deyao says, its really hard to spot juniors now. without the kaleidoscope of colours dotting the landscape, its plain janes and jim's galore - not being superficial though, its just less pleasing to the eyes.
oh and i totally admire debaters. wonder how they can think so fast on their feet and still put on a confident front. sure takes a lot of mental composure.
how i wish, really, that i could be just like them, even half of them would do.

music and lyrics

2007-03-16T11:14:00.000+08:00

went to watch 'music and lyrics' yesterday with joe, julian and yingxu. wonderful movie :) must be the feel-good film of the year. oh gosh and i love the songs inside, must get the soundtrack! all the witty lines and booty-shaking(especially)kept us thoroughly entertained : DD haley bennett was hotttt.
looks like it was worth it to pangseh 300 cuz julian watched it already. i mistook 'prepare for glory' for 'prepare for GORY' in the poster LOL. super toot la.

shall end with an excerpt from one of the songs! a little corny.. but still worth the listen.

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end.

3 things

2007-03-14T23:12:00.000+08:00

there are three things in this world that men will never understand, not even stephen hawking, my civics tutor or even my dad. females, women and girls - they must be the number one cause of headaches in males aged 3-99.
shall not delve into details, lest i want to be subjected to incessant bitching, or worse - heels in my face. ouch.

ANYWAYS, this has been the most slacky holidays i've ever had in the history of njc life! no homework! like.. since when did the HODs become so altruistic? the only explanation i can think of is that they were brainwashed by martians. so.. ya.

i love band! making music is fun! but its so energy-consuming =( my brain feels all shrivelled up after band practice, like all the brain juice flew out through my mouth into my instrument. eeew. so all those people who say we are a slacker cca cuz we sit in an air-conditioned room all day should just take their words back. go do your 1000 push-ups or something.

one hurdle crossed

2007-03-08T21:30:00.000+08:00

one hurdle crossed! but where is that feeling of liberation? the bittersweet emancipation of yesteryear? it sure doesn't help that A's are looming ever so closer, i can almost hear its thunderous footsteps. aiya why am i even talking about it, for now just enjoy! =)

anyway went to watch pursuit of happyness with class peeps after chem spa. it was pretty heart-rending, but being the manly guy that i am, the tears were held back hahahah :DD its quite touching to see someone trying so hard to be the best dad he can, at the same time screwing up his life and living to regret it. beauty really cannot be confined to a single definition. i guess it is most genuinely displayed through imperfection, when someone falls, gets back up on his feet, but is pushed right back down to earth again. it is when we are weak that our faith is strong!

feels weird that i wont have to hit the books for the next week or so.(someone scream NJ MUGGER!) march break full of band, band and more band! CHIOOONG!

days go by

2007-03-06T16:02:00.000+08:00

"Out on the roof just the other night
I watched the world flash by
Headlights, tail lights running through a river of neon signs
But somewhere in the rush I felt

We're losing ourselves"
- keith urban

HANG IN THERE!

2007-03-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

this is for you, my beloved chinese subject.
alas, it is time to say goodbye. you have been a wonderful companion throughout these 17 years of education, never failing to make me cram in for some 听写 or some 作文 or memorising tons of idioms which i probably will never use again for the rest of my life. long and arduous the journey might have been, but it has been worthwhile - at least im contented with what 17 years of chinese lessons has culminated in : DD

GP was okaaaaaay la. dont think i did fantastic but my target is to get within 5% of her percentile! which is quite difficult really.
NJ library is currently the hottest spot in school, so..
be there or be square!

2007-02-28T10:06:00.000+08:00

food has therapeutic effects.
especially if you eat in a 5-star hotel xD

okay so i went HARDCORE mugging with chien ytd at coffee bean in taka cuz we realised that there were no seats at borders(thanks to you, yuntian!)
managed to get really nice comfy couches, which totally made the mugging experience better, so much that i almost dozed off like a dozen times :x
it was so-so la, at least not as unproductive as the previous day at kap. and we managed to get karen's birthday present! shocked at how something so small can cost so much! its not like its gold plated or embroidered with diamonds right -.-

OH and here's what made my day! dad called up and dated me for an ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT dinner buffet at olive tree restaurant in hotel intercontinental! the name so cute rite. the food was like...SUPER! dunno how to describe. and the presentation was cool, especially the scallop in their pretty shells. now i know where the little mermaid got her bikini from ._. oh ya i would have eaten much more if not for the old couple beside me who must have eaten an entire shoal/colony(whatever) of scallop! those poor invertebrates were almost falling off the plate.
too bad i cant upload pictures from my phone to com cuz the cable sort of disappeared :( it wouldnt do justice to the food anyway, in all their pixelised glory.

oh and of course, such a dinner will still be boring without company. i have a cool dad :DD ya he was talking to me about MONEY - sounds very adult no? like teaching me to invest in currency, insurance schemes etc. also told me that many people in singapore are putting all their money into buy a car and a nice home, then they spend the rest of their lives paying for it. so after retirement, they have practically zero, even with CPF :/
makes me think about the more important issues in life and i wonder why i even worry about meagre things like common tests :)
MIRACLE FOR MATH, PLEASE HAPPEN!

2007-02-26T22:10:00.000+08:00

=(((((((((((

i wish i could resolve the vectors governing my life, and those in math too, thank you very much.

=))

2007-02-23T22:20:00.000+08:00

"when you are with me, i'm free.
i'm careless, i believe."

i don't know who you are to me, but it feels good :)

2007-02-22T21:41:00.000+08:00

phew finally found time to blog.
chinese new year was amazing its strange that even though it can be so boring, its really a time to catch up with relatives and spend time with them. time really is the greatest expression of love. from ice-skating with cousins to movies to gambling(oops) to just slacking around and eating lotsa food glorious food : D, it made me really sad on tue that it all had to end.
oh well, pots of gold at the end of the rainbow are just figments of our imagination.

i never ever questioned why this needed to happen because i feel your strength in me. you were, always and will be beside us. even at the start of this year, i had a premonition, a feeling in my gut that it is going to be a tough year for me. give me wings to soar and faith to move mountains!

2007-02-13T22:02:00.000+08:00

1 day to valentine's day.
5 days to chinese new year.
15 days to common test.

oh my gosh time really flies doesn't it. hmmm shall talk about good stuff first haha. OH i finished my CNY shopping in the weekend. bought this really nice adidas bag, happy happy! think it kinda suits me, my character that is.
uhhhh i think there's not much more good stuff that has happened this week. HAIZ. oh ya i discovered that sitting posture is really important, especially if i want to keep awake in class. correct posture should cause your butt to stick out slightly, maybe thats why girls have better posture on the whole :/

argh and tmr is valentines. like a certain person said, it only serves to remind me of what i dont have. been thinking about it, kinda sad la. its really nice having someone close to you and sharing your life with you, but what if one day that love just.. fades?

a beautiful rainbow is dragged down by the bustle and pressures of the world until a once stable foundation begins to crack and eventually collapse, leaving nothing but dust, choking you and rendering you torn from the inside. memories either become your only solace... or your tormentor.

(i have decided to leave chimness out of this blog because my standard of english - as i found out in ms phua's class - really sucks to the core. and if i happen to have an urge to type sth a little more metaphorical, it shall be in italics :D)

anyways, sometimes i really desire to have a special someone in my life, ah but i shall most probably be left on the shelf this valentine's day and be with my books. =((((((((((((((

think my books need me more though, CTs are like stunningly near as i just discovered an hour ago. if i dont wanna fail, have to study much much harder, pia for this 2 weeks liao.

okay wait, valentines is about love, which can mean love within a family or friends too, oh well i think i shall stick to that for now :)

Standing Watch

2007-01-25T19:11:00.000+08:00

We have one Angel standing watch
above us as we sleep.
Another gathers up the hopes
and dreams we wish to keep.

One Angel is the tiny voice
that whispers in our ears,
with words of love and comfort
to conquer grief and fears.

We have so many Angels
with one friendship keeper too,
Another just to help us mend
the thoughtless things we do.

We have a Guardian of Love
who protects our Destiny,
and helps us with our soul mate
with who we are meant to be.

We have a host of Angels
that keep us company,
in order that we may become
the best that we can be.

haha found this on some website. think its quite nice in light of our angel-mortal game :)

2007-01-23T18:55:00.000+08:00

haha its strange that i was complaining that i didnt have time to blog but yet im here today. miss you! anyways, these 3 weeks have been a rollercoaster ride.
odyssey was really really great amazing wonderful fun! dont think i'll ever forget the experience - including the preparation for it and all. after everything it feels like its worth it, seeing all those toot toot j1s happy : D perhaps we could have done it better, like maybe should have given them more time at the dance party. HAIIIIIZ. aiya after all its over la, at least they had 30min of it :)
playing angel-mortal with our junior class also rocks! didnt experience it last year cuz our senior class were a bunch of F-math muggers -.-" heh but my angel is a guy so abit sian lol.
band has been getting more hiong. now monday evening and thur morning got sectionals, apart from combined practice on wed and sat. AH but i guess it'll all be worth it when we get Gold in May(hopefully!) i tink our choice piece will most likely be internal combustion, really like the song, its so funky albeit a little messy at first. but once you get the big idea it really turns out as a beautiful masterpiece - i wonder how in the world david gillingham can emulate a CAR through music. its supposedly about the evolution of the automobile in the 1900s up to now, very interesting. everyone go hear! and the band is shaping up pretty well, hope that everyone will be able to stay aft 1st 3mths yeah, and im praying for more euphos too xD
studies is okok la..but it seems that im always playing the catch-up game :( okay guess i gotta spend more time with my books.
love life is practically non-existent. LOL but joe challenged me to give anonymous gift to someone on valentines. tink its quite exciting but i also not sure who.. hmm perhaps time will tell heh.

(strange my blog entries have become like angel-mortal letter format)

swamped

2007-01-22T22:19:00.000+08:00

oh no this blog has been rotting. have considered letting it die but think it'll be such a waste. wahaha no time to write la! so much work to catch up on ARGH. okayy shall write again soon when i have a little bit of inspiration : D take care blog!

it doesn't have to be pretty to be beautiful !

2007-01-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

yay first post of the year!
havent been updating recently cuz of my hectic schedule for orientation.
yup its been pretty great, seeing the school light up with the kaleidoscope of colours once again.
i dance very bad meh? dun tink its the lousiest la..good enough for me xD
well i dont think i've done my best to make them feel welcome though. think we should have put in more effort to assimilate them into njc, instead of being so self-centred and staying in our comfort zones. after all there's still 4 more days! hope to really turn things around and make it a really enthu og!
and i cant believe it! the cute girl i spotted last week is in my og this week =OOOO hope to get to know the og members more :P

anyways.. feel like im split into 2 worlds. with band committments and ogl on two opposite ends. homework has been thrown into the drain for the time being lol. SIGHHH. heeeelp!

oh and i hope that my mum will get better. wanna pray this verse over her.
"By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus' name and faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see." Amen!

i'll miss you 2006

2006-12-31T11:21:00.000+08:00

2006.
you've given me so so many opportunities. i can't say that i did the best i could with them, but i tried - half-heartedly perhaps?
ah there were disappointments, but i've also learnt how to pick myself up almost immediately and thank God for what He has given me and the prayers that He answered.
i could spend whats left of this year regretting what i could have done better, for example the people i could have impacted and the projects i could have put in more effort into, but i guess i should stop rueing my mistakes and decide what i should become in the next season of my life.

2007.
my priorities! Relationship with God, Serving in church, friends and family, studies, band. thats the way it should be! especially in serving God, i dont think i have done enough. i guess its time to sacrifice other things for Him. A levels also must pia :( and i want to make sure our SYF dream of Gold With Honours will come to pass! i will improve!
selfish indulgence should be few and far between, maybe twice a month? haha.

oh and leadership! STAGE BAND! i have big dreams for it! but thoughts are useless unless put into action(and i'm quite bad at that).
also pray that i'll be a hyped-up and responsible OGL during orientation and perhaps convince ppl to join band :x

and the dreaded national service. ARGH i really think i'll suffer inside. hope i get into civil service or sth more slack de ._.

wah this post is really serious. but what to do.. new year's resolutions! 2007 awaits!
a very very happy and blessed new year to all!

a christmas with love

2006-12-24T11:56:00.000+08:00

what more is there to say?
i searched far and wide, for some inspiration and delight. but for all the wonders that the information age can bring, it only leaves me with that familiar ring.

what is christmas all about? is it just gifts and turkey and ham? or a time when we can meet up with friends? yes its about Jesus, our saviour. love wrapped in skin.
but its also about the healing of gaping wounds, left to fester with the passage of time.
a deep gash in your soul, a fear untold, unrealised?
it is an investment of your entire self without expecting any returns.
it is music within your heart, an inimitable melody.

i've heard all this far too much until it has all become cliche.
set me free and let me experience the magic of christmas, pretty please.

A Fool for You

2006-12-13T20:26:00.000+08:00

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Your love, its like a mighty river. You've shown me things i would have never dreamed of - I've never felt so close to you before. Like a phoenix rising from its ashes, you saved me from myself, gave me a fresh anointing and taught me priceless lessons. I am part of this new generation!
But now, I've been brought back down to earth, in this depraved and fallen world. Give me the strength to run this race, and never let me go. I will be a friend, a warrior. I will be a King!

EMERGE 10-13dec

2006-12-10T12:18:00.000+08:00

You and I, together forever
Nothing can stand in the way
My love for You, grows stronger each new day
I`ve fallen deeply in love with You

You have stolen my heart
I`m captivated by You
Never will you and I part
I`ve fallen deeply in love with You

And my heart's prayer is that you'll take me away, Jesus. in body and spirit i shall go on a journey to find you once again.

and so the hound weaves the final chapter in this tale of life

2006-12-04T12:26:00.000+08:00

I GOT DIRGE OF CERBERUS:FINAL FANTASY VII!
lol okay who cares.. doubt i have time to play anyway.

the Lam insights on bangkok:

*i didnt find any pretty transvestites. (or maybe i just didnt notice that the pretty ones were.)
i thought i could take it but seeing the pastiche of manly and womanly features on one person made me pretty traumatised by the second day :x nightmares abound!
*if you thought traffic in Singapore is bad, bangkok is one big traffic jam. traffic jams occur anytime and anywhere, even during non-peak hours. and walking may be faster, but not advisable! they dont need the haze to make the PSI at least 100!

okay la enough of complaining,
*shopping was great. basically its classified into 3 cats - street markets, mid ranged and high-end shopping malls. the high-end malls can beat vivocity anytime! and poor dad had to keep up with us as we scooted everywhere to buy our stuff. ahhh the things were really cheap but kinda hard to find really nice clothes cuz you dunno where to start.
*i love thai food :D
*thai girls are super pretty!!!!!! (sorry im stereotyping haha) infatuations last approximately 15min only though.

ahhh this is my only free week! must chiong sleep and... perhaps homework hohoho.

bangkok = shopping!

2006-11-28T14:42:00.000+08:00

hope to see some pretty transvestites! :DDD

i just want to say hello again.
you have become a stranger to me! is it because of my own weariness, or have you really changed?

esotericism

2006-11-24T12:27:00.000+08:00

and so the rvcb chalet has come to a close. it was largely tepid, except for the fact that i managed to catch up with juniors and those from my batch.
one year passed so fast, it seems like yesterday that i graduated from rvcb. but its heartwarming, that we haven't changed. despite one year away from each other, the spirit is still there, the togetherness, the bonding.
and nostalgia takes me on a ride, through those 4 years i spent there. and these experiences are unique to those who know ever so well - that a band could never exist without its people.

i have no regrets whatsoever, and i feel so blessed that i knew you.
for all the terse letters and the hiatus you left in me when i graduated, i was reminded how you took me in and gave me a warmth which i find hard to replace. you give me solace in the implicit assurance that you will never leave.
but i have this nagging feeling that in these 2 years, i never knew you well enough. (actually, i dont think i ever knew anyone well enough)

anyway, it is time to move on! it was a temporary lapse, a brief transportation to a time when i was still unassuming and.. not grown up. (innocent is not the word)
after all, it is no use trying to resuscitate the past. let us all then strive for better things and achieve new breakthroughs in our lives.

time capsule

2006-11-21T13:28:00.000+08:00

Peace is but a shadow of death,
desperate to forget its painful past.
Though we hope for promising years
after shedding a thousand tears,
yesterday's sorrow constantly nears.
And while the moon still shines blue,
by dawn it will turn to scarlet hue.
-Kuja

Nature
Leaves fall and flowers wither,
all things have to end one day.
Spring, summer, autumn, winter.
Do things always have to be this way?
If only life wasn't so predictable,
and things didn't follow a never-ending cycle,
many hearts would be mended,
restoring fire to dying passions.
Souls lifted.
Love rekindled.

found these scribbled on a scrap of paper in my drawer. the first one came from final fantasy 9 lol. i must have been a really troubled boy back then.
but no matter how childish it might be, i really treasure it all. at least i tried.

zzzz

2006-11-19T11:49:00.001+08:00

i am so damn bored on this sunday morning. so i shall recount choice bits of the class chalet which was so terribly lame.

First Day.
we got scammed by the stupid maid tending the bicycle store who insisted on us paying for an extra half-hour when we just exceeded by 10min -.-
we cycled half of sentosa! and pretended the bus behind us was a t-rex so we were cycling like we were gonna die or sth =O
watched monster house in THREE-D.

Second Day.
went to watch the sunrise with tim, jiahao and the girls("act goong" as quoted by joe) but realised that the sun doesnt rise from the south a.k.a palawan beach.
went back to nj for band prac, fell asleep halfway..
ate ben and jerry's merlionster yum
beach soccer and bball!

Second Night+Third Day. (DISASTER)
couldnt catch a movie cuz cinema was closed for private function.
couldnt get drinks and snacks in vivo cuz practically every store was closed. i wonder if the govt made it that way to reinforce the 11pm law hmmm.
missed the last bus back to sentosa. so..guess what? WALK!
after trudging across the whole of vivo, the bridge, and the spooky forests(where joe and tim were freaking out and humji-ing >.<), we finally reached the 7-11!
alas, it was CLOSED.
so walked again we did, a quarter of sentosa, until we reached the 7-11 at the beach. thank God it was open if not i collapse liao.
chiong back to hotel room where me, tim, joe and jiahao had the luxury of 4 beds to ourselves because everyone else went back home -.-"
played bridge and makan until 2am den we slept until 10. shiok
so we checked out and waited at the busstop.
10..20..30..40min den the freaking 61 come wah lao eh.
and to end it all off, timothy lost his handphone on the bus!
epitome of suayness la.

oh and one more thing. i dont like being abandoned, especially if im sitting alone and being so noobish and still, no one offers advice or anything. stop looking at me with that pity in your eyes. i dont need it. if you really wanted to, you could help right? now im even more convinced that going to nie is pretty much useless, at least to me.

Superwoman

2006-11-18T00:35:00.000+08:00

the enigmatic quality of your eyes provides no recourse for people who desire to know you more deeply. you command respect, admiration and most importantly, friendship.
so strong are the values you espouse that sometimes you forget that we too have our own. all the world is at your mercy. you can do everything, a superhuman, a perfect role model for all to follow. you have everything, all we could ever wish for. and you proselytise wondrous virtues, like punctuality, sheer determination and committment.
it makes me wonder, underneath that transient shield of immortality, is there even a tiny spot of weakness? after all, we are only human. but i pray, that when the time comes (if it ever does), that you will fall with grace.

yay!

2006-11-17T13:58:00.000+08:00

YES i finally did my blog up! real happy that i managed to find this one on blogskins! dunno how to get that hollywood thingy at the bottom off though.
and i dunno how to add links help!

a stained glass masquerade

2006-11-12T21:42:00.000+08:00

the song struck me. are we really all that great and strong in our faith as we portray ourself to be?
or are we really just "happy plastic people, under shiny plastic steeples, with walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain"?
i wish i could be true to God, true to myself and true to the people around me. i would give it all for you.

but alas, im doubting the power of words. there is a rather fallacious stand that words can replace the act of doing. expressing yourself in prose and keeping it personal makes a person no different to one of those emasculated gamer freaks whose only acts of machismo are confined to typing rude insults on their computer screens. (ARGH had enough of them!oh Lord give me patience.)
Therefore, words are useless without REAL action! dont say it until you are sure you will do something about it!

the past few days have been really tiring. my home becomes a quiet sanctuary for me. perhaps ultimately, my deepest desire is to be alone. after all, i've failed in more ways than one reaching out to people i care about.

and i need to do up my blog. why didnt God give me a gift for designing? oh, and it makes me wonder who in the world will give a hoot about what i write anyway.

sorry

2006-11-09T22:41:00.000+08:00

i hate myself for always being so wishy-washy and weak. i could never pluck up the courage to say what you always wanted to hear. so many times you know, those words get stuck somewhere in my head and they dont come out. i see your silhoutte at the bus-stop everyday, i too, am tired. i dont know how you keep me up till the wee hours of the night, you constantly remind me of your words and your laughter. i cant promise, but i can hope, to be a better person. if second chances do exist, i pray ever so earnestly, that God give me his guidance.

now this is what im talking about

2006-11-08T22:08:00.000+08:00

thank you. but don't let this end. please. i want it to stay forever.

i wish, i wish, i wish.

2006-11-07T09:54:00.000+08:00

And i've been keeping all the letters that i wrote to you.
Each one a line or two.
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well i would send them but I know that it's just now enough.
My words were cold and flat.
And you deserve more than that.
-Home,Michael Buble

courage

2006-10-28T11:05:00.000+08:00

if there was one thing God could give me this year, that would be it.
far too long i've been watching everyone go by, my plans brought to a standstill by my diffident mind.
i'm too concerned with what others might think, im still sane, but just on the brink.
give me courage, show me the way, so i can see her smiling again one day.
only then will i be satisfied, and things wouldn't be so petrified.

pain is good

2006-10-15T21:13:00.000+08:00

because at least you know you're alive.
so many times this year i've lost what i've treasured and they've never been returned. could you this once, just this once show me how?
I was made to fight for a noble cause, protect endangered animals from poachers, die for my country, help the less fortunate around me feel normal again. yet i am struggling to find you and answers to my perennial questions. from now on, i will leave no room for error, room to make that little mistake, a chance for efforts to fall through. this idiot has learnt his lesson.

freedom at last?

2006-10-04T15:42:00.000+08:00

thank God for being with me for phy and chem papers! really convicted me that if we honour Him first, He will honour us.

promos have ended but the feeling is not exactly what i imagined it would be. sometimes it just sucks to have high expectations. now that "sianness" is creeping into my bones.
NO!!! that was the one thing i wanted to eradicate from my life! i had so many many things i wanted to do after the exams! but where have they gone?

lol think im being too dramatic. early days still!
but its usually such a thought which condemns us to be terrible stewards of our time isnt it.

okay better list down : D
1) do up my blog (someone HELP im a serious noob at this)
2) spend time with my sb's
3) catch up with old friends
4) learn guitar
5) improve eupho
6) Bandfest!
7) join ignyte soccer team!
8) Alumni concert?
9) OGL?

have you ever seen something so poignant that causes that dam holding back your emotions to just collapse?
for the first time for as long as i can remember, all of us wept. what a sight. such is the power of a father's love.
my words will not bring justice to such a story, so i'll hold it in my heart and cherish that collective outpouring of boyish empathy.

The Refiner's Fire

2006-09-25T20:05:00.000+08:00

One day, a man came upon a silversmith's store. Out of curiosity, he asked, "How do you purify silver?"

The silvermith replied, "You have to hold the piece of crude metal in the hottest part of the fire, only the hottest part! Because only there will the impurities be removed."

"Oh okay, but is it true that you have to stand in front of the furnace during the whole process?"

"Yeah, if it's taken out from the fire a split second too early or too late, the whole piece of metal will be ruined."

"How would you know then, when it is ready?

"When i see my reflection in it."

To Him, we are that very piece of metal. He watches over us as we are moulded into what He wants us to be.
Like the proverbial woman who broke her precious alabaster jar just to honour Jesus before his death, i will be broken on the inside out for Him, and invest my life into something which will outlast it.

who am i

2006-09-23T12:24:00.000+08:00

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapour in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
You catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

where are you now?

at least you're happy now

2006-09-22T23:02:00.000+08:00

LOL i just realised how long i havent written. hehe it shall be dead from now till after promos, then im gonna get it nicely decorated up! (:

a cry from within

2006-09-12T18:56:00.000+08:00

panic? desperation? nah. none of that. just an ache that buries itself so deeply within your being. even the usual deluge of emotions are numbed and tucked away at the back of my mind. but their inexorable manifestation beckons.
just like drinking hair tonic, seeminly innocuous but deadly. it is a death of the old and a death of melancholy and passion, all anachronistic treasures of our time.

lol. just an attempt to use chim vocab.

surreality

2006-09-07T11:54:00.000+08:00

no one's really strong you know? for at the end of the day it is all a facade.
for all that you portray yourself to be, ever so independent and wise in the ways that only you know, you're not exactly all that and you know it.
i dont know why either, everytime i talk to you im not even sure if thats myself. and i'll never be right in your eyes, forever a little boy succumbing to the whims and fancies of this world, an irritant that you cant bear to quell.
but still, you'll never know how much i admire and respect you. dont feel any guilt or regret because i never asked to be accepted or loved.
regrets are for angsty teenagers and the old people who sit around at hdb void decks. we're not one of them, are we?
the most important day of the week is today. so dont dwell on what we couldnt and do what we can. and you'll find that the answers to your many questions are right in front of you. just open your eyes and see.

euphonium - well sounding

2006-09-03T22:13:00.000+08:00

so that above is the meaning of the word euphonium, my instrument of 4 weeks so far.

Tokyo Kosei workshop - 2 sep
it was really enjoyable. mr miura is extremely cute! he looks like a dwarf :D and he's not at all snobbish as i thought professionals were. such a nice guy awww.
his playing is totally ownage. really inspired me to practise on my instru.
i shall list down the key points of his lesson lest i forget and for anyone who is interested.

Most importantly, the 4 keys of being a musician
1) Reading (score - bass clef, treble clef)
2) Practising
3) Listening (to band music!)
4) Feeling - bringing your heart to the audience

More about practice
* Stabilise embrochure by making sure the two ends of your lips and your chin are tight and immobile. note that you should play all types of notes with only ONE embrochure.

* Train your air by inhaling DEEP and WIDE, and hold your breath till you cant any longer. this will cause you to inhale again naturally. and do NOT make weird sucking noises when you take breaths in between bars =D

* Slurring. Very important if we want to reach high notes, and essential for the euphonium player. Practise everyday, increasing the pitch as you get better.

Take a bath together!
* Use brass soap, or detergent will have to do.
* Remove all the valves and what-nots.
* Fill your instrument up to the brim with water, then pour the water out of the hole where you put your mouthpiece. it should be very dirty water if you havent washed since as long as you can remember (algae, food bits, etc >.< )
* Use brushes to clear the insides of the instrument, esp where the valves are. and maybe find the secret as to why your valves keep getting stuck!
* Wipe your instru! and use a polishing cloth for the outside.
* Make sure its DRY, if not algae will proliferate inside and must wash again..

yup this is most of the things we learnt. also managed to get a eupho karaoke book weee =)
truly well-worth the money and time spent. TORU MIURA ROCKS!

my immortal

2006-08-29T22:43:00.000+08:00

you are never here with me in body, but ever-present in spirit.
thank you.
for all that you've taught me. you've given me fresh perspectives of life.
for showing me that fairy tales stay as fairy tales. they live only in our imagination.
for being a part of me. you've given me a capacity to care and to love beyond my own means.
for walking me through so many nights. in my head of course.

we are so similar in many ways, yet entirely opposites in others.
i've always thought we were two pieces of jigsaw. put the two pieces together and you get a perfect fit.
but time and circumstances wear things away. people especially.

but it wasnt a pity, neither was it foolish.
i walked into your world and you showed me how beautiful it can be. i believe that girl is still in you, somewhere. that girl who loved the simple things in her world. that girl, who held her friends so close to her heart.

she is there, at least i believe.

i just cant write anymore. not on my own.

2006-08-25T18:02:00.000+08:00

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything on our own
We don't need anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

from the inside out - hillsong

2006-08-19T22:37:00.000+08:00

A thousand times I’ve failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
Still I’m caught in your grace

Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing you praise

In my heart, in my soul
I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart Is to bring you praise
From the inside out of my soul
Lord my soul cries out

reality check

2006-08-18T22:20:00.000+08:00

1) promos in 5 weeks and i am struggling with phy, chem and math
2) i am freaking transferred to play the euphonium in band! sorta getting used to the fingering and stuff but still cant slur the notes well enough. still sound like a trombone with valves >.<

oh ya also want to thank all those who gave me bday present like 2 weeks ago!
(in chronological order)
Trombone section - for the card and for subsidising 30 bucks for my mouthpiece!
Joe, Jiahao, Kakeru - subsidising another 30 bucks for mouthpiece!
06s05 - the mini puma soccer ball!
Bernice - for the swedish meatballs (yum : D) and the card!
Chien Wei - hippo pet and KING KONG HAND llol!
Song Hua - myuk handphone pouch!
MUM and DAD - adidas shoes and watch!

aiyo my mind still abit blur now, hope i included everyone. and hopefully those who promised belated pres will give =)

next, i shall intro my new stead!
JOE LEE TEE YUN!
since he blogged about me i shall return the favour.
HOT BOD, wait for me when i lagging, lend me money when i lose my wallet(dropped on the bus damn!), possesses the innate ability to make anyone laugh at anytime with his antics and perhaps crude behavior, but i like it man.
call it fate or anything u want, we are in the same class, cca, pw group, play bball and soccer. we look at pretty girls all day, mug hard when we should and slack when its time.
pro-trumpetor, esp the high notes wow. can play french horn, percussion, eupho and clarinet too O.O
lol what more could u ask for in a stead?

HAHA sorry becoming a little gay. must be the stress. i even wonder how i have time to blog such a lame entry, one of those rare rare days.

somebody just slap me

2006-08-11T15:47:00.000+08:00

why does it seem that i will always be stuck in mediocrity. he's right. im always just above average. but so what? it wont get me anywhere at all!
i would sacrifice the many things that im good at just to be GREAT at something.
others know their direction and what they love and enjoy doing. but i dont.
i dont know a damn thing about myself. no exco position, no h3, no nothing.
jack of all trades but master of none? i guess thats the phrase that describes me.

there is no purpose for people like me on this earth. we live to do something that we dont even know why we are doing because we dont even know who we are on the inside. what are we exactly exceptionally talented at? nothing.
may God please tell me. or someone out there.
i want to be a person who knows my own agenda, to give my all in something i really love doing.

for you, things are going great and i believe you have a more clearly-defined path to follow. l do not deserve to be even in your thoughts. leave me behind, and move forward into the light that is your future.

sometimes we see more with our eyes closed

2006-08-10T22:58:00.000+08:00

cats have no worries and cares. i also admire their graceful yet powerful bodies. the epitome of perfection - an example of God's beautiful creation.
and these cats do not know sorrow. they live their life to feed themselves and their children, they live so that they can live another day.
why then did God give us our human intellect? why are we given a choice and the ability to discern what is beyond words, sight and even touch?
surely we were made for a greater purpose, a grander scheme in this phenomenon called life.
look beyond your hectic schedule, your responsibilities and the heavy expectations of this world.
take a long walk down the hdb corridors and the gardens and you might be able to see the many things once oblivious to your blinded eyes.
the warm smile of a father playing badminton with his beloved children, the shy cats playing the perennial game of hide-and-seek with you, the feeling of owning the entire world.
these are the things we once treasured before adolescence. its so important that we do not lose that little bit of us - that childish hope - for many times its the thin line that separates us from insanity.

I am here for you. You are in my prayers, my deepest thoughts every single day. The world lies between us and i dont see any way to get around it. but rest assured that even though things might never return to the way they used to be, i will be here.
I now understand why you once said that words are inadequate. Because some things are just not meant to be said - much less be expressed in words.

forgiveness is release

2006-08-06T10:46:00.000+08:00

it is settled i guess. i never realised that i harboured even this tiny bit of unforgiveness towards you until church service yesterday.
for everything you've given me, the joy and the excitement, the hurt and loss
and for everything i've given you, let it be history.
we had fun and we hurt each other in the process, and i will never forget the times.
however, the story continues. not with a comma or a full stop, but a fitting dal segno al coda.

why aren't men allowed to cry

2006-08-04T21:55:00.000+08:00

what's a birthday without the ones that matter

2006-08-03T21:25:00.000+08:00

my indecisiveness is my bane. i cant find you anywhere now.

2.5 more hours. one year older and i look in the mirror to find myself changed on the outside.
but im still that boy in her eyes. i thought i had grown up. but i find that the things that i once thought were easy to do has become startlingly difficult.
this year has shaped me alot but i know that the core of my being is intact. at least.

and i cling on to the hope, that tmr will not be another lonely birthday, as it has been countless times.
dad is away, mum is working and my spiritual family will not be free.
i even wonder if she'll remember. but i'd rather receive nothing than insincerity.

the perfect gift - time and sincerity - in the midst of obsession with ourselves.

"I am your greatest fan, the stalker you'll never know" (meant for who? only she knows.)

2006-07-27T23:03:00.000+08:00

does she know that there is someone out there who is praying fervently for her every single day? He prays for her to be happy, to be blessed and to be protected from anything this cruel world can throw at her. He prays she will be able to tide through her struggles and pains, clinging to what is faithful and true - Jesus. He prays that she will be healed from all emotional scars and the pain in her joints and back.

does she know there is someone who cares for her and loves her for who she is? He wants so much to give her happiness and security but finds it infinitely difficult to do so.

Sad but true. This story is yet to be finished. The ending - till next time. (although he hopes there won't be one)

that elusive agape love

2006-07-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

only God can provide it? i used to believe there were people on this earth who could give you the love that you need. of course, it couldnt replace God's love, but a question still remains unanswered. does true love really exist on earth?

Love is likened to eating durian.
the first few bites taste heavenly and you wish the feeling could last forever. when you start to get tired of it, you release your foot from the pedal a little while and wash your hands of it. but the scary thing is that it becomes a subconscious part of you. that sweet yet foul scent lingers. you try to cover it with anything else which helps you to pass your time.
but your friends, games, carnal desires, just dont quite cut it.

i know now. only Jesus can satisfy. so i look only to Him for what i need. His love - it supercedes everything else.

i'll find out someday

2006-07-13T18:45:00.000+08:00

i was walking home, walking with the heaviest feet i've ever had since a long while. and while i was looking up to the blue heavens, i just suddenly felt God was somewhere out there, watching me. like a father gazing at his son. quiet but knowing. i cried out to Him in my heart in desperation. This is the song he put in my heart. a song that's been there since i was a little boy attending sunday school. a song i thought was long since forgotten.
it may not be the exact words, but here goes.

satisfy my heart
let me be as gold and precious silver
glorify my heart
wash me from within
deep within

refiner's fire
my heart's one desire
is to be loved
satisfy my heart faithful lord
im ready to do your will

the world may abandon me and so may my friends. but my God will never forsake me. to this i hold true.

they say when you close your eyes during Etude XXXI, you can feel your heart beating in sync with the music - that amazing feeling

2006-07-09T15:00:00.000+08:00

WE HAVE DONE IT!
firstly i will talk about the wonderful backstage facilities at the esplanade. they provide a room with ur name written at the front door. and inside got bathroom, dressing table, lockers and chairs. pretty cool. and its like a maze in there! so many places to go! took pretty long to figure out how to get out of the stage door to meet everyone outside.

next, i will talk about the performance itself. we were feeling so so so jittery and nervous at 1920 liddat, cuz all the audience start comin in liao. somemore esplanade concert hall so damn big, so many ppl.
i tink our opening fanfare was great, and so was final fantasy X and scheherazade. armenian i abit cockup and pangsei kirby so many times. aiya must conserve energy for solo in scheherade maa xD
thought that everyone will sleep for first half(which some still did) but im glad some ppl also appreciated and enjoyed it. thank you so much.
second half ROCKED! i tink our percussion ensemble and stage band really entertained everyone. alumni band's wizard of oz was really amazing! very enchanting. of course, WE WERE BETTER xP
beauty and the beast is personally one of my favourite and i tink we managed to pull it off. oh and El Camino Real. the slow part was really beautiful, i must say. the best we ever played. hah.
didnt manage to play second encore piece but no regrets. because we did our job. and we did it well beyond expectations.

it was time for the final piece of the night. we watched the conductor as he cued us in. the most beautiful movement of the hand. the magical flick of a wrist which had the power to bring into play the most beautiful melodies in the world.
in this case, it was the college anthem. i raised my instrument.
suddenly, i felt this pride for the school well up within me. i summoned my last ounce of strength from my enervated self, to play the best i could ever do.
for njc, for the band, for the audience.
the sight of everyone in the audience standing to their feet and singing in one voice was simply beautiful, enrapturing.
the last note resounded in the hall, followed by the loudest cheers and screams you could ever imagine.
we had done it. not by perfection, but by sheer spirit and unity.

the last stretch

2006-07-07T22:40:00.000+08:00

this is it. i have turned the corner. i see it now. the final last 100m. they lie so invitingly ahead. the most difficult 100m though.
i see the crowd. the 1500 odd people peering down at us, even from 3 storeys up. the pressure is immense. the tension in the room causing the air to be colder than it actually is, a clap cuts the tension, like a scissors does a taut string.
our riposte is a majestic fanfare. a wave of the starting flag. the bang of the gun as we embark on this final 100m. the most important 100m. the 2.5hours we have practised 250 hours for.

im excited. delirious with the thought of playing on such a big stage. however, i never thought of the incredible amount of excess baggage that playing in the esplanade will bring. we have to sell 1700 tix! (we have sold 1400) convince ppl like overzealous businessmen, provide subsidies (which is actually the government's or rather the school's job), coordinate the seating arrangement, the list goes on.

anyway, this is it. i will do my best. my utmost best. the zenith in the music of njcsb. tomorrow. we will pull it off

life

2006-06-25T16:12:00.000+08:00

LIFE CONFERENCE was amazing!
the sermons were pretty long but that is not the point. i am amazed at what God can do in our lives if we just surrender a portion of our time to Him.
anyway, thats what i did for two days. i feel that im walking closer with Him and feel more aligned with His agenda in my life. i hope the fire in my heart for Him will never be extinguished. may it burn bright in the darkest of days, when everything else fails, when all thats left is me and Him and the dire circumstances. for that day will come, when i hit a brick wall, hard and fast, knocking the breath out of me. it hasnt arrived yet, but i say, BRING IT ON. i seem to be confident now, i wonder if i can really take it, for the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night, and so will the greatest fall of man. haha i seem to be just raving and ranting.
anyway, i will publish some of the wonderful sermons here if i have time.

common tests are starting tomorrow! (what joy)
it heralds three days of hell. GP, econs, math, chem, phy in three days? pretty insane.
anyway, i lift it all to you oh Lord. as long as i set my priorities right, i will not be disappointed.

smooth seas couldn't make a skilled mariner

2006-06-19T22:47:00.000+08:00

haha just found the statement very nice indeed. it sank in the moment i saw it, so i decided to make it the title of this entry!
its the last week of the hols! so fast. so i will now list down what i think i have done during this hols which deserve a mention.

: i did physics tys.
: i did some math.
: i attended 3 tuition class sessions.
: i had exco interview!
: i went for a total of 11 band practices.
: my group actually did pw and we managed to complete one interview!
: my hair (on my head) is the longest i have ever grown.

looks like a very short list, but everything takes quite some time eh.
thats how 3 weeks and one day have passed by in a flash.
hmmm but its good that i dont feel that this holiday is wasted because everything is for a good cause!

oh and life conference is coming soon. im expecting something exciting. i want my life to be on fire for God again. TAKE MY HEART LORD! TAKE ALL OF ME!

I Believe - Planetshakers
i heard a story just the other day
about a man who gave his life away for me
complicated yet it seems so clear
if i open up my heart he'll be so near to me
i believe in you
i believe in you

i believe in you
i believe your word has set me free
with all that i am
i will live my life for you
i believe

i heard a story just the other day
about the way you healed the blind man made him see
here i stand i'm crying out to you
all i need is faith to see a miracle in me
i believe in you
i believe in you

i believe in you
i believe your word has set me free
with all that i am
i will live my life for you
i believe

and she thought she was busy

2006-06-13T19:43:00.000+08:00

overload!
1) i have officially only 1.5 weeks to study for common test.
2) project work is requires a lot of work to be done, and arguably time is wasted as well.
3) maths VA is pending and we have not started.
4) chinese VA is also pending.
5) chinese 'A' LEVEL ORAL is also very soon (omy!)
6) njcsb etude 31 concert is on july 8, which is like 3.5 weeks from now.
*note: information listed above is not in any order of importance or priority.

okay enough about the busi-ness of jc life. i dont know how i am going to complete everything but i trust that i will take one step at a time. and i must definitely increase the speed of me doing things too.

anyway today was exco interview and i dont know how i did. no idea if it was good or bad.
i just have a feeling that i criticised the current exco too much. who am i to criticise them anyway?
im just a lousy nobody with no leadership experience at all. crude as it may sound, doesnt this world look at cold concrete evidence or results only?
dont know if i did well enough to pass but at least i know i was frank with myself and them.
maybe they despise me or something bleh.
aiya shant talk about it anymore.

i have forgotten your smile.

i miss you

2006-06-09T21:18:00.000+08:00

never thought i would say it, but i actually do. it doesnt surface all the time, but when im alone and thinking, you get into my mind and hog my thoughts.
haha i dont even know whats there to think about you anyway. bet you dont even feel the same way about me. you're so caught up with your own life and trying so hard on your own to prove to yourself that you are someone. you try so hard that your head is in the clouds. you seek to break into the upper echelons, but always seem to fail because your targets are among the heavens, always out of reach.
this causes you to neglect your own strength. you dont know how blessed you are. so stop striving. and start living.
live for others. live to make others happy. at least thats what i want to do - for now.
sometimes i just want to tell you that not only me, but many other people accept you and love you for who you are. and you dont have to try so hard to be like other people, or someone you think you can be. you dont have to feel cheated when you fail.
i read somewhere that we fall to get back up and fall again, until one day we have no more strength to get back up on our feet.
this is so totally untrue! everytime we fall, we get stronger and eventually, we become sufficiently equipped to face the REAL challenges in life.
i sincerely hope and pray that you will hang on. hang on to God. hang on to your friends. hang on to yourself.

A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lights had made me colder and I don’t think I can look at this the same
But all the miles had separate
They disappeared now when I’m dreaming of your face

I’m here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I’m here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it’s only you and me

band camp

2006-06-08T14:33:00.000+08:00

it was pretty fun and got to know alot more people better. however, what i discovered was not entirely pleasant. sure, there was the wonderful people i talked to, like Deon. before the camp, all i knew of him was that he was a harp player. quiet and reserved, yet elegant and confident in his playing. shyness and gentleness was my first impression, but yet i knew there was so much i could learn from him. he turned out to be in the same group as me. CHOPIN WOOHOO! and we were bunkmates too!
i learnt how to be sensitive and to do my best despite limitations. to never back out of something which you embarked on because of my own decision. and i pray that the road im walking really is God's path for me.

however, nothing could have prepared me for the discovery of a secret atmosphere of backstabbing and negativity within the band. the insidious gossip and cliqueish gatherings. beneath the mantel of acceptance lay a lurking parasite, a dormant volcano which would erupt if not for the fact that the time we have together is short. maybe its a blessing that we have only a year, or rather three quarters of it as a band, before seniors leave and we take their place, for it helps people to forget each other, along with the silent and rather terrible discrimination. come to think of it, this endless and compulsory cycle of the old making way for the new, brings with it many pros and cons, which i will not talk about.

another thing which totally disgusted me was the power struggle. it may not be evident but the greed - man's eternal quest for status and recognition, is inevitably in every cca, not only in the band.
it is in this note that i want to commend my senior. it is people like who allow me to keep the faith, that in this world there are people who are willing to sacrifice glory for others.
im not sure why you gave away the solo which was (in my opinion) made for you. i believe you could have done a better job. perhaps it was the peer pressure, or a sympathy for him, or perhaps just plain ignorance that you gave it away. but i know that it is tough to sacrifice something that is important to you. and i feel your disappointment and air of resignation even though you pretend to be alright.

also, many j1s stepped up in this camp. great job done there by the food, games and music committee, you guys showed great responsibility and creativity.
on the other hand, i have failed. the pt we organised was disastrous, if not miserable. i bet many seniors must have lost faith in our (or mine rather) ability.
with the emergence of so many who are gunning for a place in the exco, surely, chances are slim.
of course, you might say there are so many other ways seniors, teachers and the conductor will rate a person, but this is surely one major area.
actually, i do not mind if i do not land an exco position. its time i ask myself what is the reason i want to be in the exco? even if i dont get in, will i have the same enthusiasm and love for the band?
if the answer for the second question happens to be no, i will hate myself, because i will be just like what i have just criticised earlier. selfish and power-hungry.
so in conclusion, i lift this into the hands of the almighty father in heaven. if God feels that i have the right mentality and ability to lead, he will definitely grant me the favour and wisdom to do so.
if im still not ready, i will continue to wait. for him to shape me into the person he created me to be.

memories, thoughts and what-nots

2006-06-01T23:11:00.000+08:00

nostalgia takes me as i read Hanson's blog. his memories of RV simply remind me of the wonderful times i had there, even though there was my fair share of troubles.
well it was my secondary school after all, my second home. ever since i've stepped into jc, i've been so caught up with the business and the 'exciting' changes that it has brought. so much that i've completely forgotten about my secondary school days.
those secondary school days. seemingly ever-so-innocent. i think i was pretty much a scrawny worm in lower sec. always keeping a low profile and shy. however, i found close friends who made my days so much brighter. my class was so much into soccer and i found a way to communicate and interact with others. on the street soccer court. pandan ssc was a place filled with countless memories. from shouting "NEXT TEAM" to getting thrashed by the 'pros', everything took place there.
sec3 and 4 was fun. was still pretty much withdrawn for the first semester. again, soccer took centrestage. its amazing how a common sport can bridge a gap between people eh?
i gradually was inducted into the soccer gang and it was when things got a lot more interesting.
we were a bunch of crazy guys, and childish i must say. but i dont regret it at all. right now, i wish i could be. but it seems like suddenly, a ton of weights have been placed over our heads. so much that we are confined to being 'young adults'. what bitter irony! we are given more freedom with our behavior but at the same time, we are expected to have responsibility over our actions and most of all BE responsible. i guess its all part of maturing, though it may be uncomfortable.

i miss the old times. but i shant recollect every single detail because it will take ages to write. haha well i'll just leave it at that. the details will be etched in my mind for a long time to come im sure.

anyway, BAND IS SO SO BUSY! haha we have 4 practices a week and they are soooo long. and NIE band room is super cold and i tink its 10 degrees celsius and my hair was standing for hours on end. it didnt help that julian kept teasing about my goosebumps la! that TOOT. haha no offence though. it was kinda fun depending on a hot water bottle for warmth too. reminds me that simple things which are usually taken for granted can be ever so important in times of need. THAT applies to friends too i think. so be good to your friends! cherish every single one of them!

anyways, i come to find that the band spirit is becoming stronger and stronger each day. i believe that after the band camp, greater bonds will be forged and we will move together FORWARD. we must do our best for the concert! i dont want to let anybody down. but sometimes i feel so helpless when things go wrong. when my embrochure goes awry and my tone makes me sound like a freshie. i can only pray that it wont happen on concert day =/

haha anyway i'll do my best! practice will make perfect. at least SOMEDAY.

lastly. i hope i can live without you. there was once when i strived to make myself everything you wanted me to be. "I would have never let you down, even if i could. i would give up everything, if only for your own good."

but now i realise that all this is useless for you will never see me as who i am inside. the result? i appear as someone weak and unopinionated. still think about what could have been but i shudder at the thought of how it could have ended eventually too.

friends is the way to go, as it should have started. i made a mistake once and i wont make it twice. whats so bad about it anyway? cheers man.

well its a start

2006-05-28T12:13:00.000+08:00

hahah i cant believe i created a blog. well its not for anyone to see i guess. just makes it more convenient for me to express my feelings in words rather than keeping all of it in a diary bah.
and the thing is, im totally clueless about html and stuff so i'll just use the things that blogspot provides HAHA. im noob.

something weighing so heavily on my mind now is her. i once thought that we were so much alike, but now i discover the vast differences. and the one gap that is seemingly unbridgeable.
i want someone who shares the same heartbeat for god as me. someone who will spur forward in my walk with him. someone who will encourage me with the anointing of god rather than the things of the world. someone who i can share my whole life with and with the lord.

i know what god wants for me and i have decided to let it go. for john 12:24 says "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."
therefore, by letting go, i will be able to release more of god's blessings into my life.

however, its so difficult and painful. everytime i feel that im convicted to let go, the memories return to haunt me. the seemingly beautiful and wonderful times we had, even though i know they were not what god wanted. i dont think i will ever forget those times - at least for the moment.

i prepared a special present for her just to cheer her up, but i guess the only place it'll ever go is in the rubbish.
because if i give it to her, it'll only give the wrong idea.
since she is already ignoring me and so busy with her own life, why should i make another stupid move which will only serve to complicate things?

even right now, there is such a aching in my heart, a tremendous longing for that someone which will should never be satisfied. i cant do anything else right now. oh lord give me strength.

we're in a spell that never ends
the empty hourglass wore me thin
so let the phone do it's work
your voice is heaven
but it hurts
your words are memories
but they burn

baby just say goodnight
I'll be gone tomorrow
baby just close your eyes
I can't take the sorrow
baby just walk away
you know I can't stay
there's no easy way to say goodbye
so baby just say goodnight